Can I Survive My Broken Heart

They say you can't die of a broken heart. I don't know about that, but one thing I know is you can sure feel your heart breaking. It's a feeling that is hard to describe, but I bet you know what it feels like. You're in emotional pain that is so unbearable, you don't know if you will survive. Some will say you are overreacting. I say who cares what they say. All that matters is how you feel, and how you survive.

Last March my mom and I went to see the live action adaption of Beauty and the Beast. I took her to see it since she took me to the animated version as my first movie. Later that night after we got home, my mom text me to tell me I had to come down because my dad needed to go to the hospital. I had to watch my seven year old brother. My mom ended up having to call an ambulance, and through all this all I could think about is how I had to be at work at six thirty in the morning. That would be the last time my dad would ever be in our home. 

My dad was diagnosed with pneumonia, and having COPD only made it worse. We went to see him in the hospital one day. I kissed him and told him I loved him because I knew that would probably be the last opportunity for me to do so. My work began to suffer while my dad was in the hospital. I was constantly preoccupied with talking to my mom about my dads condition, and too emotional to handle customers. Oh, and I had just been promoted too. One day I asked my mom about my dad, and when she text me back I knew she was keeping something from me. I called her while at work to see what she was hiding. Turns out my dad had gone into distress that night and was now on a ventilator in a coma. There was no longer any hope for me. My boss and I got into a fight because my schedule was so crazy. I didn't know when it was going to happen, and my dad kept hanging on. My boss told me he just wanted it to be over. You don't have to imagine my response because I'm going to tell you. I told him no one wanted this to be over more that me. I have to watch my mom suffer while she watches the love of her life slowly die. My seven year old brother will never know his dad, and will never have one. I was in tears and left work. I will say my boss has never gone through something like this and so he doesn't understand. I do love him like a brother, and he told me to take all the time I needed. A few days later my mom signed a DNR. My dads kidneys were failing too. I told work I wouldn't be back for a while. On the morning of April 6th my mom came home, and I knew what that meant. She said that my dad's heart just wouldn't give up, and eventually they had to remove life support. Mom didn't want to do that because she had a terrible experience when my grandpa had to be taken off life support. The rest of my dad was gone, except his heart. He died peacefully in my moms arms. 

When my brother got up he asked why he didn't go to school. My mom was about to do the hardest thing any parent would ever have to do. She told my brother that dad was really sick, and before she could finish my brother said "he died." I broke. Even know writing this I'm getting emotional. It was a relief that my dad was know longer suffering or in pain, but he should be here. In a way after he died his family took on the pain he had suffered while alive. My dad was my moms second husband, and adopted me when I was twenty. He was the one, as I mentioned in a previous blog, who held me when I wanted to die. He told me it was all going to be okay and rocked me. Now my wonderful mom was a widow. My brother no longer had his dad to teach him all the things dads teach their sons growing up. He wanted my dad to teach him how to fix cars and things around the house. Now that won't happen. 

Knowing all of this I felt a stinging pain in my heart. It was almost as if I could feel it breaking. Watching my family suffer was the hardest thing. I spoke at dads funeral because I wanted everyone to know just how wonderful he really was. I wanted family who never bothered with him to realize what they missed out on. Somehow even after the military tribute to my dad I was still able to make it through. The only thing worse than losing a loved one, is watching those survivors try to go on with life. I write this in the hopes that people can better understand what it's like to lose someone, and be more sensitive to those who do. I write this hoping those who suffer loss can find someone that knows what they are going through and can talk to them. It's difficult to move on from loss, but our loved ones would want us to keep livin'. So please do.

Kayla Dawn Miller