Do You Know?

Do you know what it's like to be unable to get out of bed? To face the world? Do you know what it's like to feel everyone is against you and hates you? Do you know what it's like to hate yourself and life? To feel worthless? Do you know what it's like to believe the world is better off without you? Do you know what it's like to wake up in the morning disappointed because you lived through the night? Do you know what it's like to feel numb? To not care anymore? To be in a fog? To keep falling?


I have been thinking about writing this for a while, but I wanted to get it right. When Robin Williams committed suicide I remember someone asking why he would be depressed. They believed that he should have been happy with all of that money. I know it's cliché, but money does not buy happiness. Depression is a mental illness that can have many causes. It can be a chemical imbalance, genetics, stress, medical issues. Harvard Health published an article containing causes. Depression can be temporary or clinical. Sometimes something happens in life, and you need temporary help. You are on medication temporarily, but not with clinical.


I have clinical depression. I am not ashamed that I have it, or that I need help. There is no shame in getting help. I believe that seeking help is one of the bravest things someone can do. People with mental illness are people too. I don't believe in normality or perfection. You cannot understand something unless you have first hand experience. Observation doesn't lead to understanding what we go through. I understand why Robin Williams killed himself because I have been there. I know what it's like to believe in that moment that suicide is the most logical thing. I know what it's like to believe that I will be happier in death. You have that voice in your head telling you that everyone is better off without you. The reason I didn't is because an even more powerful voice told me not to.


When I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia I didn't want to deal with it. It's not the worst thing I could have been diagnosed with, but in my mind I was better off dead. I felt like no one understood me, or what I was going through. I remember having a melt down in the principals office in high school. I told him I wanted to die, to kill myself. He went to get my guidance counselor, she took me to her office, and talked me down. She wouldn't let me leave until she was sure I was not going to hurt myself. I promised I wouldn't. Since I have had a lot of promises broken to me, I try not to break mine. It's important to me that I don't. I didn't hurt myself. I was fifteen.


Last year was when I hit rock bottom. I was constantly yelling at coworkers, managers, and family members. I was miserable. I woke up one day and I didn't care. I didn't decide to stop caring. I just didn't anymore. I didn't care about anyone, my job, school, or myself.  I am thankful that I was not fired from my job, and that no one gave up on me. I went on vacation with two of my friends to celebrate my 21st birthday. I ruined that trip for them. The second day I cried and had a meltdown while we were shopping. My bank cancelled my credit card and there wasn't one in the state. The last day I screamed at my friends and said terrible things to them. We stopped to eat, but I wouldn't. I remember looking out the window just in a fog. I was thinking of just walking. Walking to no where in particular, maybe into traffic. Then I went to the bathroom. I made sure I was alone, and looked for something to slit my wrist. I didn't find anything, we got back in the car, and we left. A few weeks later I had a confrontation with someone at school. I was driving home, and called my mom. I was crying and trying to give her hints. At one point I screamed at her, hung up, and threw my phone (I was still driving). I thought about running my car off the road. I stopped to buy some allergy medicine (a years worth). When I got home I sat on my bed staring at the bottle of that and my fibromyalgia medicine. I snapped! I shoved everything off my vanity, I threw things, and collapsed on the floor crying. My mom demanded I come downstairs. I went down and sunk down in the corner sobbing. My counselor told me suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. She told me if I felt suicidal to go to the hospital. I told my mom I needed help. That I couldn't live anymore. I didn't want to live anymore. I was lying face down on the floor while my mom called a psychiatrist. She made an appointment that was four days later. I was told on a scale, normal depression is rated 7, mine is 25. I was given a prescription that changed my life.


I have a chemical imbalance, but I have also been bullied at school and emotionally abused by my birth father. He made me feel worthless, but I took control of my life. I didn't want to hurt my family and friends. They don't understand, but they are understanding. If that makes sense. They are incredible, and the reason I am here. So I see a psychiatrist. Big deal. I am not cured, I am better. Just because I am on medication doesn't mean I don't have bad days. I do, but they are not everyday. A few months ago my counselor told me she didn't think I needed to see her, but to call if I needed to.


It's been a few months since I left therapy, but some things are still difficult. I cannot deal yet with being in large crowds. It's too much to attend gatherings for me. If someone I have deep issues with is there I can't go. I'm not ready for any confrontation. When I am, my birth father is first on my list. I have gotten rid of as much negativity in my life as possible, and I am all the more happier for it.


I was finally able to write this when I discovered the Broadway musical Next to Normal. I am not bipolar, but I understand the main character Diana. She sings a song at one point telling her husband he doesn't know when he says he does. Alice Ripley (who won the Tony for that role) kicked the crap out of that song and out of the role. I am so grateful to her (and the entire cast), Brian Yorkey (wrote the book and lyrics), and Tom Kitt (wrote the music). They brought awareness to mental illness so brilliantly. The subject of the show is grief. Diana's illness is just part of the story. You do get to see how someone with mental illness handles the challenges in life such as grief. They did a fantastic job. I encourage you to watch clips of this show. The Tony performance will be linked to here, and on my Facebook account. Watch the introduction, so you can understand the scene.


There is no shame in being mentally ill, or in seeking help. Please seek help. Call the crisis center, the suicide hotline, or someone who will listen. I am not ashamed. I am who I am because of my illness, my struggles, and my breakdown. I am stronger because of that and the help I sought. I didn't always feel there was a purpose for me on this planet. Since I was four I have wanted to be an entertainer. That's what makes me happy, and those around me are so supportive of that. Don't let others put you down. People who do are not worth your tears. When I decided on a major I decided to hell with it, acting makes me happy. I am not in college to make others happy. I am deeply sorry to those I have hurt in the past. It took six years for me to get proper treatment, but I got it. No one could tell me to get help. I had to decide on my own. I had to want it. I did because I didn't like the person I was. I need to make sure I am happy. I know this was a long one, but I needed to say this.


Please keep livin'
Kayla Dawn

Listen to Your Gut

Warning: This contains information about female stuff! Gentlemen read at your own risk! Kidding, but if you are uncomfortable then I would suggest not reading it.


In the past I wrote about my struggle with PMDD in my blog PMS My S!. Well about a year ago I began having severe lower back pain. I have had lower back pain, but this was something else. I would be doubled over at work from the pain. I also had severe pain in my uterus, and could feel every moment of my ovulation. I would come home from work or school and just lay in bed from the pain. When I would go to take a shower after work I would lay on the floor from the pain. Basically three weeks out of the month I would be in constant pain.


I decided to go to my gynecologist to see what was wrong. They did an ultrasound, blood work, and also an internal examination. The doctor had absolutely no idea what was wrong. She told me that she was going to have me skip my placebo week of my birth control, and have three months without a period. Well I was psyched about that, but at the same time something told me that that was a bad idea. However, I did it anyway. Well for three months instead of not having a period, I had a three month period. I am not joking! I bled for three months straight. After a while I gave in and went to see a doctor at the office my mom goes. I had a feeling in my gut that I had endometriosis. One reason was that I had all the symptoms, and my mom has severe endometriosis. I didn't listen to it because I thought my doctor new best.
Endometriosis is when the tissue that lines your uterine walls grows outside of the uterus. For more information visit Women's Health. Some of the symptoms I had were painful cramps during my cycle, chronic lower back pain, pain that occurred in my intestines, pain in my bladder or bowel movements, and constantly being exhausted. My new doctor told me that from what I told him that it appeared that I had endometriosis. Since my mom had it as well that also made him believe I had it. He did not agree with my former doctors opinion that birth control would solve my problem because that's not what it is for. He was very matter of fact and gave me three options. The first was a laparoscopy, which is surgery. The other two were shots that I would be given on a regular basis. The only way to know for sure if I had endometriosis, or if anyone has it, is to do a laparoscopy. I wanted the surgery because I needed to know what was going on with my body, and have anything hurting me removed. Remember I am not a doctor. I write from my personal experience. Always check with a medical professional if you suspect you have any illness.
Next time I will write about my experience with my laparoscopy. In the mean time keep livin'.


Kayla Dawn