For the past four-six months I haven't felt like eating at all. I haven't eaten a lot either. The last time I really pigged out was Thanksgiving last year. I constantly feel nauseous when the thought of food enters my mind. When people discuss food or I smell it I want to throw up. There are days when I only have a few pieces of candy so I can take my pills. I use to weigh 140 pounds, and now I am down to 128. Some would love this, but I don't.
I weighed 140, but people said I didn't look it. I kept my hourglass figure because I worked out. In the last year I have kind of stopped, but my figure stayed the same. I am still toned in the places I have been, but I am thinner. My legs are thinner, my arms, and my face. I did finally lose all the weight I gained in my face, but not in a healthy way. My legs are so thin that they are swallowed by my yoga pants. The shirt I usually wear around the house hangs at mid thigh. My grandma and my mom are shocked at how much weight I have lost. I am too.
Let me say right now that I do not have an eating disorder. I know people who do say that, but I don't. I want to eat, and I try to eat. I will try to eat at least one meal a day because that's all I can handle. I force myself to eat, but I become sick after. I'm Italian, I love food, and I could never give it up. I decided to look up why this was happening. Turns out you do learn something new everyday. Stress and depression can cause a loss of appetite, and so can the medication I am on to help those. Now I have two choices when it comes to my medication. The first is taking it, eating less, but surviving. The other is I can stop my medication, eat more, and die. That sounds radical, but that's the truth. I am on those meds to essentially keep me alive. We have all seen how depression kills people when not treated properly, or at all. Now like I said earlier, I am not 100% sure of the cause of my loss of appetite. These are just educated guesses.
Now some people stress eat, but I don't. I am not 100% sure that these are the causes of my loss of appetite, but it's possible. Don't take my word for it. Everyone is different. I will say that I am incredibly stressed out. This is my last semester, and I am worried that my school will tell me at the last second that I can't graduate. It's happened before. I have monitored my credits
closely, but still the worry is there. I am stressed out about one class because every time I do an assignment I feel more and more stupid. I am suppose to list skill I have learned at work, and I had like three. Also, I am an actress (enough said). I am worried about finding an agent, finding a paying acting job, and finding a paying job I don't hate as much as the one I have now. Love the people there, hate the customers. My best friend is moving to Chicago to act. She's the best and she should totally go for it. She has a job and a place to live. I barely get to see her, and now I'll see her even less. However, I am still thrilled for her. My job has slowed down, and so I am making less money. As a result of that, and new medical insurance I have no plans to go to the doctor. I can't afford the co-pay, so I won't go until I think it's necessary. I use to not have a co-pay, but this new insurance does. That's why I don't go to the doctor much. I'm cancelling a follow up I have because the last appointment cost $201 (for a check up by the way). I know my parents would give me the money to go, but as an adult with I job it feels wrong accepting it. I have accepted it when they have told me they're going to help me end of story. I appreciate them so much, but I feel as though I have taken enough of their money. In spite of all of this stress when I come home I am greeted by two little ones who can always make me smile. My yorkipoo Rosie and my aushipoo Ginger. Rosie runs to me and wants me to pick her up so she can kiss me. When I put Rosie down, I sit on the floor, and Ginger hugs me. They are the sweetest little ones, and always brighten my day.
The other day I had my first fan girl moment. My favorite Broadway actress, Alice Ripley, followed me on twitter. I thanked her and said that she made working in below zero temperature bearable. SHE WROTE BACK! She told me to keep smiling, and have a shake (I work in fast food). I took a screen shot to show my voice teacher, and I haven't stopped smiling. It was incredibly kind of her to write back. She didn't have to, but she did. I kept the screen shot, and now when I need to smile I pull it up. By the way this is the same actress I mentioned in my previous blog about depression.
Life is stressful. Some people are able to deal with it better than others. My depression will never go away. It's a battle I fight everyday, and will continue to for the rest of my life. I have things in my life that make me happy. I don't have a bad life, but let's face it senior year is pure stress. At least for me. Today I was driving to the new location of my internship when I got lost. I turned into a drive way to turn around, and my car got stuck. It almost went down a pretty decent size hill. I couldn't back out, so I called my mom. I had no idea where I was, so I told her how I got there. She came and got me out. The whole way home I had a specific lyric from the song "Light". This song is in the musical that I mentioned in the previous blog as well, Next to Normal. The song actually came on while I was driving home. The lyric goes, "you find out you don't have to be happy at all, to be happy you're alive," Brian Yorkey (writer). Side note that was Alice's part. I may not be happy everyday, but I sure as hell am happy to be alive. There have been so many times I could have died for one reason or another, but I survived. I'm going to do my best to survive, and try to be happy. You survive too! Don't just be happy you're alive, be happy. Keep eating, and...
Keep Livin'
Kayla Dawn
