The Choice

Ever go to a relatives wedding and there's that one relative who asks you when you're getting married? You aren't even close to dating anyone, they know, and still ask you. They say it's a joke, but somehow it's just not funny. When you are a broken person who has been constantly hurt by the opposite sex it's not funny. It reminds you of what you are feeling. That no one could ever love you like that or could ever put up with you. That comes from years (18 in my case) of abuse. Then a relative has their first child and you are asked when you are having kids. You aren't married or close to seeing anyone, they know, and still ask. Not knowing that you can't, or possibly can't, have children. Reminding you once again about what you are missing. They say women in the past were just baby making machines. I say that is still the perception. Look at celebrities. When a woman doesn't have children she is made to feel less like a woman, and constantly asked about having children. Men aren't. This is my story and the beliefs expressed are that of my own. What I believe isn't necessarily going to be right for you. You have to do and believe what is right for you. Everyone is different.

When I was growing up my mother never spoke to me about marriage and children. Well she did tell me about getting pregnant when I first got my period, and did tell me that I should get married before having children. I was never told I had to do either, or that I had to rely on a man. I'm sure as hell glad because that may not be the right route for me. There's so much I want to do, and I can't be married to do it. My career and becoming a working (paid) actress is so incredibly important to me. Some find that selfish, but I am an actress. I've been one for as long as I can remember. I act like I like presents or people, and no one can figure it out. You only know I don't like you if my dislike is so high I can't control it. My mother married young and never was able to experience an independent life because when she divorced she had a four year old. She told me if I marry to never marry young, and for me that's the right decision. Women are made to feel ashamed if the don't marry, have kids, or have kids in wedlock. The right choice for me wasn't the right choice for two of my cousins. They fell in love, married, and both have one child. They wanted that, but I don't. Right now at this point in my life I don't want to get married. I don't trust men because they have mostly left and hurt me. I am happy without one. If I married now it would end in divorce because I would be so focused on my career that the marriage wouldn't have a chance. And again that makes me selfish. Men are very rarely if ever asked in interviews if they are going to get married or have children. Don't ask me when I'm getting married ever. At both of my cousins weddings I cried at the realization that that may never happen for me. Now I realize that that's okay. I shouldn't allow others to increase my depression by asking me about marriage. I have two other cousins who also don't want to get married. We have dreams bigger than life, and so many things we want to do. People say it's our parents fault because they divorced. NO! Don't ever blame this on our parents. They are the greatest, most supportive parents in the world (with the exception of my birth father the sperm donor as I refer to him). In fact it made us stronger. The three of us went through hell, but came out better than ever. We are responsible, hard working, caring, and independent people. That goes for my two male cousins whose parents divorced as well. We had to grow up more quickly when our parents split. I can't explain it but we did. I'm not saying that my married cousins aren't any of those things. We just aren't as close. There are some who say divorce makes a mockery of marriage. People make a mockery of marriage. They marry for money, a green card, drunk, etc. I would rather my mother divorce and be  happy than stay married an miserable. When people stay married for the kids it's worse. Kids are smart and pick up  on things. If you are happy they are happy. It really riles me up when people, people who know me, start speaking ill of divorce. I know we all the the right to our own beliefs, but don't expect me to stay quiet. I'm all for divorce if it makes others happy. But enough about prison, I mean marriage.

I don't want children. I am 23 and just starting out as an actress. I don't have the time, money, stability, or patience to have a child. Actually I don't even particularly like children at this time. I mean I have names picked out if I ever do, but having children is not a priority of mine. Luckily my mother is not in a hurry to be a grandmother. She's fine waiting on my six year old brother. Also, I have endometriosis which causes fertility issues. From what I read it is not recommended for people with fibromyalgia to be pregnant. Plus I'm not sure I would like to risk my children inheriting my endometriosis, fibromyalgia, depression, anxiety, interstitial cystitis, etc. Most or all are believed to be hereditary. Parents want better for their children. I don't want my daughters to suffer the way I have. The fact that I have pain 365 and want nothing more than a hysterectomy makes me not want children. Now my mother doesn't have all of these, and we aren't sure who passed them on to me either. I will not lie, but when my first cousin had her baby I sank into a depression. She has what I may never have. I am close to my grandmother and I desperately wanted to make her a great grandmother. I knew I wouldn't and it was hard. She is a blessing in my life and I wanted to do that for her. I couldn't look at the baby or hear people talk about the baby. I even took my cousin off my Facebook. At thanksgiving when her parents started talking about the baby and showing pictures I went into the kitchen to eat and drink (I never drink and there was hardly alcohol. Plus it was a holiday my family had sangria and I hate sangria. Basically I'm saying we're not drunks just Italian.) At my graduation party no one could stop talking about or paying attention to the baby. Yes I was jealous. This was a party for me and no one payed attention to me, but my friends. I wish my family had tried to strike up a conversation with me but they were only interested in the one with the baby and the pregnant one. It sounds selfish, but I felt so accomplished and proud. I wanted people to congratulate me, and celebrate me. Maybe I'm being selfish but it hurt. I know they may read this so let me say I am not angry at them. I have no reason to be. After all the trials and tribulations in my life, after almost dropping out, after my breakdown, I accomplished something I never thought I would. The sperm donor never thought I could. One relative asked me what my plans were, and it was someone I never expected to. I had a ball with my friends. They made me feel better, and we all had graduated at the same time. They are my family. We talk, they ask me how's life, and if I want to hang out. My mom, dad, and grandma do the same. They made me feel good that day, and I thank God they were there.

Basically what I am saying is don't be quick to judge. Don't judge me because of my relationship or family status. Don't judge my mom because she got divorced. Don't judge someone who doesn't have children or is divorced because you don't know the reasons. Don't assume a woman is going to marry or have children. One day I went on a rant with my mother stating my reasons for not wanting to marry or have children. After about five minutes I stopped and she said, "you don't have to tell me. I know and I understand. I respect your decision. It's your life." My first thought was why didn't you stop me. Then I remember telling her how much it irritates me when she does that. My mother, if you haven't noticed from my other blogs, is an incredible woman and inspiration. She is who all mothers should be. Support not just your children, but others as well. Support those of us who don't want marriage and children. Don't judge us for it, especially if you don't know us. There's so much out there in the world and I want to see it. I want to see what the world outside of the Midwest looks like. I can't do that with a family. I want to live on my own and be independent, and handle life day by day. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, so why plan. I need to fix myself and have more time to have fun. My bff and I are alike in that way. She's an actress in no hurry to have a family as well. We have made our choice, and guess what we still go on living happy lives. To all the women who have made the same choice this is for you.

Keep Livin'
Kayla Dawn

Stress Starving

When you are stressed out do you pig out? Do you just eat all your troubles and emotions away? Or does the thought of food make you sick? Do you want to eat, but just can't? Are you lost and confused as to why this is happening? Well me too!

For the past four-six months I haven't felt like eating at all. I haven't eaten a lot either. The last time I really pigged out was Thanksgiving last year. I constantly feel nauseous when the thought of food enters my mind. When people discuss food or I smell it I want to throw up. There are days when I only have a few pieces of candy so I can take my pills. I use to weigh 140 pounds, and now I am down to 128. Some would love this, but I don't.

I weighed 140, but people said I didn't look it. I kept my hourglass figure because I worked out. In the last year I have kind of stopped, but my figure stayed the same. I am still toned in the places I have been, but I am thinner. My legs are thinner, my arms, and my face. I did finally lose all the weight I gained in my face, but not in a healthy way. My legs are so thin that they are swallowed by my yoga pants. The shirt I usually wear around the house hangs at mid thigh. My grandma and my mom are shocked at how much weight I have lost. I am too.

Let me say right now that I do not have an eating disorder. I know people who do say that, but I don't. I want to eat, and I try to eat. I will try to eat at least one meal a day because that's all I can handle. I force myself to eat, but I become sick after. I'm Italian, I love food, and I could never give it up. I decided to look up why this was happening. Turns out you do learn something new everyday. Stress and depression can cause a loss of appetite, and so can the medication I am on to help those. Now I have two choices when it comes to my medication. The first is taking it, eating less, but surviving. The other is I can stop my medication, eat more, and die. That sounds radical, but that's the truth. I am on those meds to essentially keep me alive. We have all seen how depression kills people when not treated properly, or at all. Now like I said earlier, I am not 100% sure of the cause of my loss of appetite. These are just educated guesses.

Now some people stress eat, but I don't. I am not 100% sure that these are the causes of my loss of appetite, but it's possible. Don't take my word for it. Everyone is different. I will say that I am incredibly stressed out. This is my last semester, and I am worried that my school will tell me at the last second that I can't graduate. It's happened before. I have monitored my credits closely, but still the worry is there. I am stressed out about one class because every time I do an assignment I feel more and more stupid. I am suppose to list skill I have learned at work, and I had like three. Also, I am an actress (enough said). I am worried about finding an agent, finding a paying acting job, and finding a paying job I don't hate as much as the one I have now. Love the people there, hate the customers. My best friend is moving to Chicago to act. She's the best and she should totally go for it. She has a job and a place to live. I barely get to see her, and now I'll see her even less. However, I am still thrilled for her. My job has slowed down, and so I am making less money. As a result of that, and new medical insurance I have no plans to go to the doctor. I can't afford the co-pay, so I won't go until I think it's necessary. I use to not have a co-pay, but this new insurance does. That's why I don't go to the doctor much. I'm cancelling a follow up I have because the last appointment cost $201 (for a check up by the way). I know my parents would give me the money to go, but as an adult with I job it feels wrong accepting it. I have accepted it when they have told me they're going to help me end of story. I appreciate them so much, but I feel as though I have taken enough of their money.

In spite of all of this stress when I come home I am greeted by two little ones who can always make me smile. My yorkipoo Rosie and my aushipoo Ginger. Rosie runs to me and wants me to pick her up so she can kiss me. When I put Rosie down, I sit on the floor, and Ginger hugs me. They are the sweetest little ones, and always brighten my day.

The other day I had my first fan girl moment. My favorite Broadway actress, Alice Ripley, followed me on twitter. I thanked her and said that she made working in below zero temperature bearable. SHE WROTE BACK! She told me to keep smiling, and have a shake (I work in fast food). I took a screen shot to show my voice teacher, and I haven't stopped smiling. It was incredibly kind of her to write back. She didn't have to, but she did. I kept the screen shot, and now when I need to smile I pull it up. By the way this is the same actress I mentioned in my previous blog about depression.

Life is stressful. Some people are able to deal with it better than others. My depression will never go away. It's a battle I fight everyday, and will continue to for the rest of my life. I have things in my life that make me happy. I don't have a bad life, but let's face it senior year is pure stress. At least for me. Today I was driving to the new location of my internship when I got lost. I turned into a drive way to turn around, and my car got stuck. It almost went down a pretty decent size hill. I couldn't back out, so I called my mom. I had no idea where I was, so I told her how I got there. She came and got me out. The whole way home I had a specific lyric from the song "Light". This song is in the musical that I mentioned in the previous blog as well, Next to Normal. The song actually came on while I was driving home. The lyric goes, "you find out you don't have to be happy at all, to be happy you're alive," Brian Yorkey (writer). Side note that was Alice's part. I may not be happy everyday, but I sure as hell am happy to be alive. There have been so many times I could have died for one reason or another, but I survived. I'm going to do my best to survive, and try to be happy. You survive too! Don't just be happy you're alive, be happy. Keep eating, and...

Keep Livin'
Kayla Dawn