A Very Unhappy Birthday!

What do you do when you realize you have become the person you never wanted to be? I am two days away from my 28th birthday, and I'm not happy about it. Birthdays can be tough, but I always loved mine because I share it with my grandma. They use to celebrate more for me, but now I try to celebrate more for her. Today I realized I had become the person who hurt me the most. A person I have worked hard to prove wrong. Turns out I proved him right in the process.

Whenever I am upset about something from my past, people tell me to get over it and move on. To this day I have no idea how people do that. I have never had closure and never will. I know that because the person will never listen to me. So getting over the past and moving on from it, is easier said than done. I had so many goals in life. I wanted to be an actress, star on Broadway, have my own sitcom, get married at Disney World, and have five kids. I wanted my career first because it was my biggest dream. I knew I didn't necessarily need to get married to have kids because of today's science. I figured once I started acting and earning decent money, I could go through IVF. I was going to move to New York and pursue my dreams. I haven't come close to making any of these things happen. I haven't even started. 

I have begun to detest my birthday. It now is just a reminder of another year I have wasted my life and not accomplished anything. People will tell me that graduating from high school and college is an accomplishment. I graduated high school to get the hell out of there. I hated my school and was utterly miserable. I was the kid who had a couple friends they never saw and liked the teachers. Graduating college wasn't a goal of mine. After my mom took out $40,000 in loans so that I didn't have to drop out, I decided I better graduate. I loved going to college, but it was never a goal for me. I always went back and forth about going, but I felt I had to go. People will say that my being promoted to manager at the fast-food restaurant I worked at is an accomplishment. They will say that negotiating my pay up to $12/hr was an accomplishment. I only went for the promotion and the raise because I needed the money. 

I have always idolized my mother. She is everything I ever wanted to be. She's smart, strong, determined, independent, brave, hardworking, motivated, and beautiful. My biological father (I was adopted my mom's second husband just before my 21st birthday, he passed three years ago) is lazy, unmotivated, condescending, abrasive, and hurtful. No one in this world has ever hurt me more than my biological father. He made me feel unwanted, worthless, and unloved. I have no motivation, and I don't know how to find it. I am lazy and never help around the house. I make poor choices and mess up my life. I so badly want to be like my mom or my dad (adopted). So how on Earth did I turn into the man I never wanted to be? How did I turn into the person I spent the least time with? I haven't spoken to the man in ten years!

If I told my biological father (I hate using that word with him) that I had graduated college, he would have told me, "so I did too." He would have ridiculed me for not getting an 'A' in every class. If I told him I was promoted to management he would have said, "why did you go to college if you were going to just be a fast-food manager?" He was critical of every move I made. 

Instead of becoming a performer I just sit home and daydream about what my life could be. I have no clue how to even begin and have been away from the stage for so long I don't know if I can. Acting is the only thing I've ever wanted to do. It's the only thing I know how to do. I have wanted it since I was four years old. I stopped receiving invites to auditions at the theatre's I worked with because I stopped showing and started backing out. One theatre even replaced me without telling me. I was saving money to move to New York, but I pissed it all away. In a Covid-19 world, I find it impossible to pursue my dreams. 

My birthday reminds me of all of this because one does become reflective on or near their birthday. I'm at an age where I am too old for most of the parts out there. I feel great anxiety and depression about my age because I feel it's too late. I feel like I missed my chance. I'm not that lucky person that gets discovered on the streets or in a store. Not that anyone is looking in Ohio. When my dad (adopted one) died three years ago, I fell into a black hole. I decided to stay at home to help my mom with my then seven-year-old brother. I did one show, and never went back. 

So what do you do when you become that person who hurt you the most? Obviously, I have no clue. My mom had a more difficult life than me, but she overcame it. Why can't I overcome my problems? It's very simple, I am not strong like my mom. I put on an act, but that's all it is. People may say age is just a number, but to an actress, it's work or no work. If you can relate and want to talk feel free to comment. I may be lost, but unless Covid-19 gets me I'm going to keep living. You should too. Let me know if you find the answers. 

Keep Livin'

Kayla Dawn

Make the Itching Stop!

Do you ever itch so badly that you just can't stop scratching? I don't mean chicken pox. Just pure itching. So bad that you scratch a decent portion of skin off. Then your body is all scratched up, and now you're self-conscious about it. Well through a process of elimination, I found a great way to heal your scratched up legs.

Over the summer I have experienced extreme itching on my legs. They were so scratched up that I was too embarrassed to show them. I had no idea why they were so itchy. My mom suggested that I try exfoliating. Yes, I have never exfoliated. I don't know why I just haven't. Well, I tried, and at first, it worked really well. I used an organic coffee scrub. After a while, the itching returned. I thought well maybe the scrub was too rough, so I tried a body wash. Again I used organic. That helped heal the scratches but did nothing for the itching.

At this point, I was very irritated. I am an actress, so my appearance is crucial. When I had my dermatitis break out, I became self-conscious and freaked. This was no different. True it wasn't my face, but I have always considered my legs to be one of my more attractive qualities. I searched Amazon for days to make sure I chose the right product. I decided this time to try a Himalayan Salt Scrub. Again this worked really well at first, and I really liked it. Guess what?! The itching returned!

I was pretty fed up at this point. Instead of looking for a product, I decided to look online for what can stop itching. I found some great ideas, but the most recommended one was oatmeal. Now I'm not about to put oatmeal all over my legs. I returned to Amazon and searched for oatmeal skin products. The company that makes the organic soap I use, Aspen Kay, also makes an oatmeal soap. I thought, "this is perfect!"

When I got the soap, I initially used it as I would any other soap. I decided to just take the soap and rub it all over the areas with scratches. I wish I had taken before and after pictures because my legs are almost cleared up. It's tempting to scratch them up again to show you. I highly recommend using that soap. In general, it's an excellent product for bathing and healing.

Remember: Do your research, Heal yourself, and Keep Livin'

Kayla Dawn

Do You Really Have It Under Control?

Breakouts! We've all had them, and we all stress out about them. What happens though when your breakouts are not acne, and you can't clear them with acne wash? What happens when it is all around your mouth, and people look at you thinking you have herpes? When they think you're dirty? What do you do then? Well you go to your doctor and/or do some research. Doctors don't always have the answer, and sometimes you need to do drug therapy to find the right product. Over the counter products don't work. Trust me! I've gone through this twice now. I spent over $100 trying to clear my perioral dermatitis without going to a doctor. 

While waiting for my doctors to find a way to clear up my dermatitis, I decided to do some research of my own. I searched for home and natural remedies that could clear up perioral dermatitis. I found a few blogs where women talked about what they did to help. My doctor had given me a list of products that can cause a dermatitis flare up. Well guess what! I ignored all of it. I thought "I got this. I don't need to change my life. I have this under control, and I'll do what I did last time to clear it up." Well what I did to treat my previous flare did not work. In fact it made it worse. I decided I needed to change some things. Whether I liked it or not.

The first thing I decided to change was my toothpaste. I researched a few different organic products and decided on Jason. Every blog I read about perioral dermatitis mentioned that product, so I decided to try it. I will admit I hated it at first. It actually tasted like paste. I knew it was to help me, so I just kept using it until I got use to it. It didn't really take long at all. Probably only a couple of days. I also switched my mouth wash just in case. I switched to Therabreath. I still use both products because they work wonderfully. 

I am someone who is addicted to chap stick. I put it on so much, and I really loved the brand I was using. However, I decided that if I was going to change my tooth paste then I should change my chap stick. My dermatitis was around my mouth, and it only made sense to change it. I'm not going to lie it was hard. Fortunately I found a pack of six that I loved. I decided to subscribe and save to it on amazon. Actually I did that with the toothpaste too. This chap stick works incredibly well, and they all smell amazing. The product is by premium nature, and is labeled as "best natural lip plumper."

Switching all of the products that came into contact with my face really helped clear my dermatitis with in a month. That along with the Benzyl gel my family doctor prescribed me. So while you may think you have it covered, like I did, trust me you don't. If I had listened then I probably could have cleared my face sooner, and not have been so self conscious for so long. As an actor I do become very stressed when it comes to my appearance. After all looks account for 50% of getting a job. Oh, and stress doesn't help PD either. Just take a deep breath and don't be stubborn. I'm not a doctor, but I am someone with experience. Slow down, do some research, and keep livin'.

Kayla Dawn

Can I Survive My Broken Heart

They say you can't die of a broken heart. I don't know about that, but one thing I know is you can sure feel your heart breaking. It's a feeling that is hard to describe, but I bet you know what it feels like. You're in emotional pain that is so unbearable, you don't know if you will survive. Some will say you are overreacting. I say who cares what they say. All that matters is how you feel, and how you survive.

Last March my mom and I went to see the live action adaption of Beauty and the Beast. I took her to see it since she took me to the animated version as my first movie. Later that night after we got home, my mom text me to tell me I had to come down because my dad needed to go to the hospital. I had to watch my seven year old brother. My mom ended up having to call an ambulance, and through all this all I could think about is how I had to be at work at six thirty in the morning. That would be the last time my dad would ever be in our home. 

My dad was diagnosed with pneumonia, and having COPD only made it worse. We went to see him in the hospital one day. I kissed him and told him I loved him because I knew that would probably be the last opportunity for me to do so. My work began to suffer while my dad was in the hospital. I was constantly preoccupied with talking to my mom about my dads condition, and too emotional to handle customers. Oh, and I had just been promoted too. One day I asked my mom about my dad, and when she text me back I knew she was keeping something from me. I called her while at work to see what she was hiding. Turns out my dad had gone into distress that night and was now on a ventilator in a coma. There was no longer any hope for me. My boss and I got into a fight because my schedule was so crazy. I didn't know when it was going to happen, and my dad kept hanging on. My boss told me he just wanted it to be over. You don't have to imagine my response because I'm going to tell you. I told him no one wanted this to be over more that me. I have to watch my mom suffer while she watches the love of her life slowly die. My seven year old brother will never know his dad, and will never have one. I was in tears and left work. I will say my boss has never gone through something like this and so he doesn't understand. I do love him like a brother, and he told me to take all the time I needed. A few days later my mom signed a DNR. My dads kidneys were failing too. I told work I wouldn't be back for a while. On the morning of April 6th my mom came home, and I knew what that meant. She said that my dad's heart just wouldn't give up, and eventually they had to remove life support. Mom didn't want to do that because she had a terrible experience when my grandpa had to be taken off life support. The rest of my dad was gone, except his heart. He died peacefully in my moms arms. 

When my brother got up he asked why he didn't go to school. My mom was about to do the hardest thing any parent would ever have to do. She told my brother that dad was really sick, and before she could finish my brother said "he died." I broke. Even know writing this I'm getting emotional. It was a relief that my dad was know longer suffering or in pain, but he should be here. In a way after he died his family took on the pain he had suffered while alive. My dad was my moms second husband, and adopted me when I was twenty. He was the one, as I mentioned in a previous blog, who held me when I wanted to die. He told me it was all going to be okay and rocked me. Now my wonderful mom was a widow. My brother no longer had his dad to teach him all the things dads teach their sons growing up. He wanted my dad to teach him how to fix cars and things around the house. Now that won't happen. 

Knowing all of this I felt a stinging pain in my heart. It was almost as if I could feel it breaking. Watching my family suffer was the hardest thing. I spoke at dads funeral because I wanted everyone to know just how wonderful he really was. I wanted family who never bothered with him to realize what they missed out on. Somehow even after the military tribute to my dad I was still able to make it through. The only thing worse than losing a loved one, is watching those survivors try to go on with life. I write this in the hopes that people can better understand what it's like to lose someone, and be more sensitive to those who do. I write this hoping those who suffer loss can find someone that knows what they are going through and can talk to them. It's difficult to move on from loss, but our loved ones would want us to keep livin'. So please do.

Kayla Dawn Miller

Fibromyalgia: The Big ?

What exactly is fibromyalgia? I don't know about you, but I find it hard to explain to others. People sometimes doubt it's existence because it's not something you can see. When you're in your 20's people don't believe you because they think it's something the elderly have. Well it's not mutually exclusive to an age group.

People don't realize that the smallest bump or the lightest hit can really hurt. My rheumatologist told my mom and I that a person with fibromyalgia will feel pain ten times more than someone without it. For instance when I fall on ice it will hurt ten times more than if my best friend does. Gently smacking me on the arm will hurt. People at work often tell me that I'm exaggerating and that it didn't hurt. Who are they to tell me what does or doesn't hurt. Like the other 5 million people who have fibromyalgia, my body is different.

So what exactly is fibromyalgia? Well is is a chronic pain and fatigue illness. Let's break down the name: "fibro" refers to your fibrous tissue (this would be your tendons and ligaments), "my" is your muscles, and "algia" is for pain. Other symptoms are fatigue, problems with sleeping, problems with memory and focus, depression, anxiety, stiffness, tingling and numbness, headaches, and irritable bowl.

There are 18 trigger points, and this gal has all of them. They are split into 9 pairs. The pairs are: the back of the neck, your elbows, the front of your neck, hips, lower back, knees, upper back, shoulders, and your chest. If you have at least 11 points you most likely have fibro. I always feel tired and pain, and I get a lot of flack for it. I mainly hear about it at work. People make fun of me because I am always tired, and say that because I am in my 20s I shouldn't be so tired or feel so much pain. I hope they read this so they can understand why. I always am forgetful or can't focus. I say things over and over again which annoys my co workers. My brain is in a fog that won't go away, so I have a difficult time. One time I couldn't remember how to use a GPS app. I started yelling at my mom, crying because I couldn't remember. Sometimes when I lay on my stomach my body from my lower back down starts tingling and feeling numb. It's so uncomfortable and I have difficulty moving. At work I can't put the truck away because of my fibro, and I know it irritates my fellow opener. I don't like having this, in fact I hate it. There have been times I have found it difficult to keep going because of how painful and inconvenient it is. It's difficult for me to work on my feet for 8 hours straight. Sometimes I sit down, and of course people make jokes. Well my pain is not a joke. It is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life.

Who has fibromyalgia? Well contrary to popular belief one in six people diagnosed with fibro are minors. While men still can have fibro, nearly 90% of those diagnosed are women. For those with children there is a wonderful article that shows you exactly how your child is feeling after their diagnosis. http://health.learninginfo.org/fibromyalgia-children.htm For women on Lyrica, before getting pregnant they must first go off of their medication. My doctor said it should only take a couple of months to be weened off of it. That means your pain will increase, and your symptoms will flare during pregnancy. It will be difficult to breast feed. So, when I say I don't want children it's a lie. I so badly want children, but I am so afraid of what I will have to go through and sacrifice to have them. What if I can't work? I can't get disability. What if my depression increases? What if my anxiety and pain are so bad I miscarry? I think about this often because that's how important having children is to me. I've been without medication before, so I know what it's like. I remember how I felt before my diagnosis. It scares me. I know if I ever get married people will start asking me when I am going to have a baby. People need to stop doing that because they have no clue about whether or not a woman can even have children.

Hopefully after reading this you will have a better understanding of what fibromyalgia is. I am not a doctor. Just someone who has eleven plus years experience with it. Please speak to your doctor if you think you may have fibromyalgia. There is no cure, but there are a variety of treatments. You're probably going to want to give up, but don't. I'm glad I didn't give up because I would have missed out on so much.

Keep Livin'
Kayla Dawn

Is A Specialist Special?

Most people have a specialist for something. Some have a rheumatologist for fibromyalgia, a psychiatrist for depression, a fertility specialist for endometriosis, a dermatologist for dermatitis...okay so these are all mine. There are so many types of specialists out there, but are they really any more special than your family doctor? They cost more so they should be right? Well that's not always the case.

I had an amazing pediatric rheumatologist. She save my life and actually gave it back to me. She was so intelligent, and could answer any question I had for her. Plus she was always on my side. My gynecologist (a fertility specialist) was the same, and so was my psychiatrist. My dermatologist was another story and he will be the star of this blog.
My pediatric rheumatologist told me she would see me until I graduated college, and help me find a doctor when I moved. Well I never moved, and never found another rheumatologist. In fact she's the one who moved. My gynecologists office started only seeing patients for IVF, and I never looked for another one. After a while I was paying my psychiatrist for a five minute visit to get a prescription refill, so I left. My family doctor took on all of these rolls. She brilliant by the way. I still had my dermatologist. For now...

Last spring after my dad died I noticed my dermatitis returning. My dermatologist did take my insurance, so I tried having my family doctor prescribe me what had cleared my skin before. It didn't work, and in fact made it worse. I'm allergic to the best medication for my condition, so we tried a different oral medication. It started to clear, but came back when I was finished with the medicine. When I switched insurance I went to see my dermatologist. He told me to use a sulfuric wash he sold. Well that dried up my skin and made it worse. I tried various over the counter creams, and some gave me what I called "angry chin". My chin was red and burning. I went back to my dermatologist for a follow up and he was shocked I had trouble with the wash. He prescribed a compound for me, and told me to come back in six week. Well I was going to be on vacation, and since it was the end of the year I wanted to wait to see what insurance I would have. If he didn't take it there was no point in making an appointment. When I called to see how much the compound would cost I found out my insurance didn't cover compounds. It was $120! Ummm....I don't think so. I had already spent $75 on each visit to my dermatologist. Now I needed to figure something else out because as an actress this was not gonna fly.

I realized one of the ingredients in the compound was in the benzol gel my family doctor gave me for acne. I asked her if I should try it, and she said since some of the ingredients were the same that it could work. I also realized that my chap stick, tooth paste, mouth wash, and sunscreen could be irritating my skin. I bought all organic products. That combined with the gel cleared up my skin in a matter of weeks.

Was my dermatologist stupid? I don't think so, but I tend to think the worst. He would always rush my appointments and barely let me speak. I felt he was just trying to get money for me. I couldn't afford what ever it was he was doing, and that didn't seem to matter. I was constantly told what he was doing was the best treatment. He was completely different from when I first started seeing him. So are specialist special? Well he sure wasn't. But I believe many are special. However, no one knows your body better than you. If you feel something isn't right find a different solution. I felt that what my dermatologist was doing was wrong for me and not helpful. He wouldn't listen so I took matters into my own hands. My family doctor was the one who gave me information on products that can irritated and trigger dermatitis. She was the one who cleared it, and she was the one who listened to me. I am not a medical expert, but I am an expert in my body. Don't ever be afraid to be one for yours either.

Keep Livin'
Kayla Dawn

Does It Cost Too Much To Live?

The mounting bills, the countless phone call, and the continuing fight. Yep, I'm talking about health insurance and pharmaceutical need. Many Americans file for bankruptcy as a result of excessive medical bills, every year. The majority of us can barely afford to make ends meet, let alone receive proper medical care. I had to deal with the corruption of the health insurance and pharmaceutical industry a lot this past year.

When my dad had to retire due to medical reasons, we lost his insurance. My mom did get a good job, and put me on her health insurance. However, when my dad died my mom had to leave her job, and we lost her health insurance. I did what anyone else would do. I went on the marketplace and signed up for health insurance. I checked to make sure all of my medication and doctors were covered. The one medication I was concerned about was my Lyrica because it's the only medication that helps my fibromyalgia. The health insurance I selected said Lyrica would be covered, but they failed to disclose all the red tape I had to go through. 

When my pharmacy tried to fill my Lyrica it was denied because I needed prior authorization. My doctor sent them everything they asked for , and they still told me I had to do a year of drug therapy first. The big problem was Lyrica is a controlled substance, so I can't just go off it. I was never properly weaned off. My doctor prescribed me Gabapentin because it was in the same category as Lyrica. That really messed me up. I felt all the pain and fatigue I did before I was diagnosed. The only thing it did was keep me from going through withdrawal. The worst part was it gave me nightmares where I was being raped and murdered. I barely slept because I was too afraid to go to sleep. I called my doctor who prescribed me a muscle relaxer. Fibro is not in your muscle, so I knew how that was going to go. By this time I had switched insurances, and they also required drug therapy. Three months later after going through hell, I finally got my Lyrica. But it didn't fix me overnight.

When I was originally prescribed Lyrica, it took a year to get me back to normal. This time was the same, but guess what I had to find new insurance at the end of the year. I am able to get my Lyrica from the pharmacy three days before I last picked it up. I picked it up on December 1st of 2017, and then I picked it up again on November 30th 2017. I did this to by me time to get my Lyrica. I was hoping to have it by February, but that didn't happen. There were times I would call my insurance sobbing because I have been taking Lyrica for 10 years, and it's the only thing that helps me. Without it I cannot function in my everyday life. My body feels as though someone is continuously beating me with a bat all over. I was terrified of feeling that way again. I was afraid I'd lose my job. That didn't matter to them. Truth is Lyrica is over $500 without insurance, and they didn't want to pay for it. One day I found a possible solution.

My mom and I were constantly searching for cheaper ways to get my Lyrica. We had considered driving to Canada to get it. I even considered flying to London to get it. I can't order it from London because customs won't let it through since it's a controlled substance. One day while I was searching online I found a prescription assistance program from Pfizer. Pfizer is the company that manufactures Lyrica. I filled out the forms, and gave them to my doctor to fill her part out as well. She sent it to them and a few weeks later I was approved. I almost cried because I was going to get my life back. They told me because of my low income I was eligible to receive Lyrica free of charge for the next year. I couldn't believe it! I got my doctor a few little gifts a a thank you for putting up with all this crap, and apologized to her. She told me that I didn't have to because it's her job. She hates insurance companies too. 

I still don't understand why a month of Lyrica in America has to cost over $500, and a month of it in England is $45 (without insurance). What the insurance companies do to us is torture, plain and simple. They don't want to pay for us to live, so they torture us until we die. I have always said to my mom if I cannot live here, then I will go somewhere else. I will not be stopped from life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. You shouldn't allow it either. Everyone deserves a chance at life. What was done to me and countless others simply because the companies do not want to pay for it, is wrong. Greed is one of the seven deadly sins, and it in turn affects us. I dream that one day health care and medication will be affordable to all. Right now it feels like it costs too much to live, but we can't let that stop us. Please keep fighting, and keep going. 

Keep Livin'

Kayla Dawn