Do you know what it's like to be unable to get out of bed? To face the world? Do you know what it's like to feel everyone is against you and hates you? Do you know what it's like to hate yourself and life? To feel worthless? Do you know what it's like to believe the world is better off without you? Do you know what it's like to wake up in the morning disappointed because you lived through the night? Do you know what it's like to feel numb? To not care anymore? To be in a fog? To keep falling?
I have been thinking about writing this for a while, but I wanted to get it right. When Robin Williams committed suicide I remember someone asking why he would be depressed. They believed that he should have been happy with all of that money. I know it's cliché, but money does not buy happiness. Depression is a mental illness that can have many causes. It can be a chemical imbalance, genetics, stress, medical issues. Harvard Health published an article containing causes. Depression can be temporary or clinical. Sometimes something happens in life, and you need temporary help. You are on medication temporarily, but not with clinical.
I have clinical depression. I am not ashamed that I have it, or that I need help. There is no shame in getting help. I believe that seeking help is one of the bravest things someone can do. People with mental illness are people too. I don't believe in normality or perfection. You cannot understand something unless you have first hand experience. Observation doesn't lead to understanding what we go through. I understand why Robin Williams killed himself because I have been there. I know what it's like to believe in that moment that suicide is the most logical thing. I know what it's like to believe that I will be happier in death. You have that voice in your head telling you that everyone is better off without you. The reason I didn't is because an even more powerful voice told me not to.
When I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia I didn't want to deal with it. It's not the worst thing I could have been diagnosed with, but in my mind I was better off dead. I felt like no one understood me, or what I was going through. I remember having a melt down in the principals office in high school. I told him I wanted to die, to kill myself. He went to get my guidance counselor, she took me to her office, and talked me down. She wouldn't let me leave until she was sure I was not going to hurt myself. I promised I wouldn't. Since I have had a lot of promises broken to me, I try not to break mine. It's important to me that I don't. I didn't hurt myself. I was fifteen.
Last year was when I hit rock bottom. I was constantly yelling at coworkers, managers, and family members. I was miserable. I woke up one day and I didn't care. I didn't decide to stop caring. I just didn't anymore. I didn't care about anyone, my job, school, or myself. I am thankful that I was not fired from my job, and that no one gave up on me. I went on vacation with two of my friends to celebrate my 21st birthday. I ruined that trip for them. The second day I cried and had a meltdown while we were shopping. My bank cancelled my credit card and there wasn't one in the state. The last day I screamed at my friends and said terrible things to them. We stopped to eat, but I wouldn't. I remember looking out the window just in a fog. I was thinking of just walking. Walking to no where in particular, maybe into traffic. Then I went to the bathroom. I made sure I was alone, and looked for something to slit my wrist. I didn't find anything, we got back in the car, and we left. A few weeks later I had a confrontation with someone at school. I was driving home, and called my mom. I was crying and trying to give her hints. At one point I screamed at her, hung up, and threw my phone (I was still driving). I thought about running my car off the road. I stopped to buy some allergy medicine (a years worth). When I got home I sat on my bed staring at the bottle of that and my fibromyalgia medicine. I snapped! I shoved everything off my vanity, I threw things, and collapsed on the floor crying. My mom demanded I come downstairs. I went down and sunk down in the corner sobbing. My counselor told me suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. She told me if I felt suicidal to go to the hospital. I told my mom I needed help. That I couldn't live anymore. I didn't want to live anymore. I was lying face down on the floor while my mom called a psychiatrist. She made an appointment that was four days later. I was told on a scale, normal depression is rated 7, mine is 25. I was given a prescription that changed my life.
I have a chemical imbalance, but I have also been bullied at school and emotionally abused by my birth father. He made me feel worthless, but I took control of my life. I didn't want to hurt my family and friends. They don't understand, but they are understanding. If that makes sense. They are incredible, and the reason I am here. So I see a psychiatrist. Big deal. I am not cured, I am better. Just because I am on medication doesn't mean I don't have bad days. I do, but they are not everyday. A few months ago my counselor told me she didn't think I needed to see her, but to call if I needed to.
It's been a few months since I left therapy, but some things are still difficult. I cannot deal yet with being in large crowds. It's too much to attend gatherings for me. If someone I have deep issues with is there I can't go. I'm not ready for any confrontation. When I am, my birth father is first on my list. I have gotten rid of as much negativity in my life as possible, and I am all the more happier for it.
I was finally able to write this when I discovered the Broadway musical Next to Normal. I am not bipolar, but I understand the main character Diana. She sings a song at one point telling her husband he doesn't know when he says he does. Alice Ripley (who won the Tony for that role) kicked the crap out of that song and out of the role. I am so grateful to her (and the entire cast), Brian Yorkey (wrote the book and lyrics), and Tom Kitt (wrote the music). They brought awareness to mental illness so brilliantly. The subject of the show is grief. Diana's illness is just part of the story. You do get to see how someone with mental illness handles the challenges in life such as grief. They did a fantastic job. I encourage you to watch clips of this show. The Tony performance will be linked to here, and on my Facebook account. Watch the introduction, so you can understand the scene.
There is no shame in being mentally ill, or in seeking help. Please seek help. Call the crisis center, the suicide hotline, or someone who will listen. I am not ashamed. I am who I am because of my illness, my struggles, and my breakdown. I am stronger because of that and the help I sought. I didn't always feel there was a purpose for me on this planet. Since I was four I have wanted to be an entertainer. That's what makes me happy, and those around me are so supportive of that. Don't let others put you down. People who do are not worth your tears. When I decided on a major I decided to hell with it, acting makes me happy. I am not in college to make others happy. I am deeply sorry to those I have hurt in the past. It took six years for me to get proper treatment, but I got it. No one could tell me to get help. I had to decide on my own. I had to want it. I did because I didn't like the person I was. I need to make sure I am happy. I know this was a long one, but I needed to say this.
Please keep livin'
Kayla Dawn
Friday, December 19, 2014
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Listen to Your Gut
Warning: This contains information about female stuff! Gentlemen read at your own risk! Kidding, but if you are uncomfortable then I would suggest not reading it.
In the past I wrote about my struggle with PMDD in my blog PMS My S!. Well about a year ago I began having severe lower back pain. I have had lower back pain, but this was something else. I would be doubled over at work from the pain. I also had severe pain in my uterus, and could feel every moment of my ovulation. I would come home from work or school and just lay in bed from the pain. When I would go to take a shower after work I would lay on the floor from the pain. Basically three weeks out of the month I would be in constant pain.
I decided to go to my gynecologist to see what was wrong. They did an ultrasound, blood work, and also an internal examination. The doctor had absolutely no idea what was wrong. She told me that she was going to have me skip my placebo week of my birth control, and have three months without a period. Well I was psyched about that, but at the same time something told me that that was a bad idea. However, I did it anyway. Well for three months instead of not having a period, I had a three month period. I am not joking! I bled for three months straight. After a while I gave in and went to see a doctor at the office my mom goes. I had a feeling in my gut that I had endometriosis. One reason was that I had all the symptoms, and my mom has severe endometriosis. I didn't listen to it because I thought my doctor new best.
Endometriosis is when the tissue that lines your uterine walls grows outside of the uterus. For more information visit Women's Health. Some of the symptoms I had were painful cramps during my cycle, chronic lower back pain, pain that occurred in my intestines, pain in my bladder or bowel movements, and constantly being exhausted. My new doctor told me that from what I told him that it appeared that I had endometriosis. Since my mom had it as well that also made him believe I had it. He did not agree with my former doctors opinion that birth control would solve my problem because that's not what it is for. He was very matter of fact and gave me three options. The first was a laparoscopy, which is surgery. The other two were shots that I would be given on a regular basis. The only way to know for sure if I had endometriosis, or if anyone has it, is to do a laparoscopy. I wanted the surgery because I needed to know what was going on with my body, and have anything hurting me removed. Remember I am not a doctor. I write from my personal experience. Always check with a medical professional if you suspect you have any illness.
Next time I will write about my experience with my laparoscopy. In the mean time keep livin'.
Kayla Dawn
In the past I wrote about my struggle with PMDD in my blog PMS My S!. Well about a year ago I began having severe lower back pain. I have had lower back pain, but this was something else. I would be doubled over at work from the pain. I also had severe pain in my uterus, and could feel every moment of my ovulation. I would come home from work or school and just lay in bed from the pain. When I would go to take a shower after work I would lay on the floor from the pain. Basically three weeks out of the month I would be in constant pain.
I decided to go to my gynecologist to see what was wrong. They did an ultrasound, blood work, and also an internal examination. The doctor had absolutely no idea what was wrong. She told me that she was going to have me skip my placebo week of my birth control, and have three months without a period. Well I was psyched about that, but at the same time something told me that that was a bad idea. However, I did it anyway. Well for three months instead of not having a period, I had a three month period. I am not joking! I bled for three months straight. After a while I gave in and went to see a doctor at the office my mom goes. I had a feeling in my gut that I had endometriosis. One reason was that I had all the symptoms, and my mom has severe endometriosis. I didn't listen to it because I thought my doctor new best.
Endometriosis is when the tissue that lines your uterine walls grows outside of the uterus. For more information visit Women's Health. Some of the symptoms I had were painful cramps during my cycle, chronic lower back pain, pain that occurred in my intestines, pain in my bladder or bowel movements, and constantly being exhausted. My new doctor told me that from what I told him that it appeared that I had endometriosis. Since my mom had it as well that also made him believe I had it. He did not agree with my former doctors opinion that birth control would solve my problem because that's not what it is for. He was very matter of fact and gave me three options. The first was a laparoscopy, which is surgery. The other two were shots that I would be given on a regular basis. The only way to know for sure if I had endometriosis, or if anyone has it, is to do a laparoscopy. I wanted the surgery because I needed to know what was going on with my body, and have anything hurting me removed. Remember I am not a doctor. I write from my personal experience. Always check with a medical professional if you suspect you have any illness.
Next time I will write about my experience with my laparoscopy. In the mean time keep livin'.
Kayla Dawn
Sunday, November 10, 2013
The Show, and Life, Must Go On!
I know it has been a while, but you will all find out why in my upcoming posts. This blog is different from my other blogs. I can't say anything about it specifically except you will just have to read on to find out more. Anyway...
When I was about four years old my mother and my birth father (my step dad recently adopted me) divorced. I barely saw my birth father while I was growing up. I generally spent time with my mother and my maternal grandmother. My maternal grandma and I share a birthday, so we have a special bond. Something my grandmother did for me was help me choose who I wanted to be when I grew up. Yes at four years old I already knew. I wanted to be Lucille Ball! If you don't know who she is look her up because you should. I saw Lucy do the Vitameatavegamin skit on her show I Love Lucy. It was then I knew that I wanted to do that, make people laugh. At the time I was too young to understand, but I began using media and the arts as an escape. I continue to do this to this day, and so do others.
I have always adored my mother and admired her greatly. When I was little I would desperately miss her. I understand now it was all for me, but then I didn't. My grandma would do anything I wanted to do with me. She would draw and color, but mostly we would watch television. The shows we watched were the ones on when she and my mom were kids. Shows like I Dream of Jeannie and Bewitched would fuel my imagination. I would fold my arms and blink my eyes while pretending I was Jeannie, or try to twitch my nose (which I have become quite good at) and pretend to be Samantha (from the later of the shows). Sometimes we would watch Scooby Doo and I would wonder around my grandparents house solving a mystery.
With my mom we would watch Disney movies together. My favorite, and still favorite, was Beauty and the Beast. I would sit mesmerized for hours watching that movie. That movie also happened to be the first one I saw in theatres. My mom and birth father were still married and they took me to a movie theatre where Beauty and the Beast was playing. I don't remember that because I was so young, but I know that ever since I have loved that film.
Like I stated in my other blogs music has really helped me though difficult times in my life. As an actress/singer/musician/songwriter the arts has become a catharsis for me. I pour my heart and soul out into my lyrics. I write about real life experiences. In voice lessons I use my real life as a way to connect to a song I didn't write, and the same can be said for acting. Art has helped so many people escape their lives. For a moment whether it's a three minute song, a half hour to an hour show, or an hour and a half movie we can escape. We don't think about bills, making enough money, family issues, health issues, the economy, politics, or religion. We are able to escape into a fictional world that helps us cope with daily life. People have said that a certain experience is the hardest thing they will ever experience in life. That's not entirely true. Life is the hardest thing we will ever experience. Since theatre has helped me so much in my life that is why I am passionate about it. That is why I am trying to raise money to help maintain a local theatre. The Canton Palace Theatre has been around for nearly a century doing for others what Lucille Ball and Walt Disney did for me. It allows them to escape and dream. My story is about a little girl sitting with her grandmother, allowing a stranger to take her away from her troubles, to sit, laugh, and dream.
If you would like to learn more about The Canton Palace and donate money like my groups Facebook page Help Maintain The Canton Palace Theatre. On the page is the link to the theatre's official website and to our rally.org website where my group from my persuasion class is raising money. The show must go on!
Keep Livin'
Kayla Dawn
When I was about four years old my mother and my birth father (my step dad recently adopted me) divorced. I barely saw my birth father while I was growing up. I generally spent time with my mother and my maternal grandmother. My maternal grandma and I share a birthday, so we have a special bond. Something my grandmother did for me was help me choose who I wanted to be when I grew up. Yes at four years old I already knew. I wanted to be Lucille Ball! If you don't know who she is look her up because you should. I saw Lucy do the Vitameatavegamin skit on her show I Love Lucy. It was then I knew that I wanted to do that, make people laugh. At the time I was too young to understand, but I began using media and the arts as an escape. I continue to do this to this day, and so do others.
I have always adored my mother and admired her greatly. When I was little I would desperately miss her. I understand now it was all for me, but then I didn't. My grandma would do anything I wanted to do with me. She would draw and color, but mostly we would watch television. The shows we watched were the ones on when she and my mom were kids. Shows like I Dream of Jeannie and Bewitched would fuel my imagination. I would fold my arms and blink my eyes while pretending I was Jeannie, or try to twitch my nose (which I have become quite good at) and pretend to be Samantha (from the later of the shows). Sometimes we would watch Scooby Doo and I would wonder around my grandparents house solving a mystery.
With my mom we would watch Disney movies together. My favorite, and still favorite, was Beauty and the Beast. I would sit mesmerized for hours watching that movie. That movie also happened to be the first one I saw in theatres. My mom and birth father were still married and they took me to a movie theatre where Beauty and the Beast was playing. I don't remember that because I was so young, but I know that ever since I have loved that film.
Like I stated in my other blogs music has really helped me though difficult times in my life. As an actress/singer/musician/songwriter the arts has become a catharsis for me. I pour my heart and soul out into my lyrics. I write about real life experiences. In voice lessons I use my real life as a way to connect to a song I didn't write, and the same can be said for acting. Art has helped so many people escape their lives. For a moment whether it's a three minute song, a half hour to an hour show, or an hour and a half movie we can escape. We don't think about bills, making enough money, family issues, health issues, the economy, politics, or religion. We are able to escape into a fictional world that helps us cope with daily life. People have said that a certain experience is the hardest thing they will ever experience in life. That's not entirely true. Life is the hardest thing we will ever experience. Since theatre has helped me so much in my life that is why I am passionate about it. That is why I am trying to raise money to help maintain a local theatre. The Canton Palace Theatre has been around for nearly a century doing for others what Lucille Ball and Walt Disney did for me. It allows them to escape and dream. My story is about a little girl sitting with her grandmother, allowing a stranger to take her away from her troubles, to sit, laugh, and dream.
If you would like to learn more about The Canton Palace and donate money like my groups Facebook page Help Maintain The Canton Palace Theatre. On the page is the link to the theatre's official website and to our rally.org website where my group from my persuasion class is raising money. The show must go on!
Keep Livin'
Kayla Dawn
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
My Medical Disorder Is Cosmetic?
TMJ, or Temporomandibular joint disorder, involves problems with the chewing muscles and joints in the lower jaw. The pain can be caused by grinding of the teeth and a bad bite. I honestly didn't know I had TMJ until a few years ago, or I forgot about it. Trust me I have a bad memory. Because of my TMJ I have difficulty chewing certain foods. Tough meat is especially difficult for me to chew. I'm a singer and sometimes while I am singing my jaw locks. If that happens I usually have to work it out if I have a few measures, or I have to stop to work it out and start where I left off. When I'm acting sometimes my jaw locks, but then I can take a dramatic or comedic pause. TMJ is incredibly painful for me at times, especially in the winter. I have noticed this winter that the pain is more intense than in the summer. Also, I read online that TMJ is associated with fibromyalgia, which I also have. I don't know if that's true because not a lot is know about the causes of fibromyalgia, but almost everything I have I have read is associated with it. Obviously I don't know for sure. I am just going by what I read. My orthodontist gave me exercises that work a little, but he really wants me to get a mouth guard for night time. The problem is that even though the guard is for a medical problem, the insurence will not pay for it because they claim it's cosmetic. No one in my dentists office seems to agree. I don't understand how something that is to help improve or cure a proven medical problem is seen as cosmetic. Teeth whitening, braces, or retainers I can see as cosmetic. I don't see how TMJ is. I am a full time college student working part time, so I can't pay for the mouth guard. If the insurence won't cover it then I can't get it. I don't know what other options I have, but if I have to pay for them I can't get them or have them done. I'm not suprised that an insurence company calls a medical problem cosmetic. Too bad they're wrong like always. Oh, well it's not like it's going to kill me. Unless it gets to a point where I can't eat anything. If that happens I can always blend my food. YUCK!
Keep Livin'
Kayla Dawn
here's a link with information about TMJ http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/001227.htm
Keep Livin'
Kayla Dawn
here's a link with information about TMJ http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/001227.htm
Thursday, December 27, 2012
PMS My S!
FYI this blog is about menstruation. If you are uncomfortable then I would not read it.
In 2003 when I was 11 years old I got my first period. It lasted seven days. From then on I began having irregular periods that would last differently each time. I would be left bed ridden on the first day because of the extreme cramping. I became increasingly depressed, tired, sometimes I'd sleep anywhere from five to tweleve hours. At the age of 15 I was placed on birth control to try and treat my symptoms. In the last five years I have been on three different birth control pills. Each one took care of the symptoms, but gave me another problem. Now I finally have one that doesn't affect me that much. The reason for my extreme symptoms is something called premenstrual dysphoric disorder, or pmdd.
PMDD doesn't last for your full cycle. It begins at the end of ovulation and ends at the beginning of your cycle. Symptoms include: increase depression and anxiety, sudden mood changes, lack of or increased sleeping, and more. For all of the symptoms you can visit...
http://pmdd.factsforhealth.org/what/symptoms.asp
What would happen with my pmdd is that because of being bed ridden I would miss school. I had two classes that I need medical excuses for. One of the teachers would accept the note that my mom would write, but the other (a witch) didn't. She said that she needed a medical excuse. Since my mom knew that the problem was my menstruation she didn't see any reason to take me to the doctor every month for an excuse, and netiher did I. Our hair dresser told us a few years later about a clinic that specializes in hormone treatment. We both went for a little mother/daughter hormone treatment day, and were given a series of tests to assess the problem. For me I wasn't lacking or producing too much of one certain hormone. I have pmdd and irregular menstruation, so I was given the option of birth control or an IUD (intrauterine device) that I would have to change once a month. I can't even remember what day it is how was I going to remember to change an IUD once a month? I chose the pill after discussing the options with the doctor and my mom. We found the treatment that was right for me.
In the last five years my symptoms have decreased enormously. I am rarely depressed or anxious, my cramps aren't as severe, I am not always tired or unable to sleep, and I'm regular. Now like I said in my introduction blog I only speak from experience. Just because something is right for me doesn't me it is right for you. Just because I have pmdd doesn't mean you do. I had all of the symptoms that's how I realized what was wrong. Talk to a doctor before ever choosing a treatment to find out what is right for you. I knew it wasn't just pms. PMS my S!
Keep Livin'
Kayla Dawn
In 2003 when I was 11 years old I got my first period. It lasted seven days. From then on I began having irregular periods that would last differently each time. I would be left bed ridden on the first day because of the extreme cramping. I became increasingly depressed, tired, sometimes I'd sleep anywhere from five to tweleve hours. At the age of 15 I was placed on birth control to try and treat my symptoms. In the last five years I have been on three different birth control pills. Each one took care of the symptoms, but gave me another problem. Now I finally have one that doesn't affect me that much. The reason for my extreme symptoms is something called premenstrual dysphoric disorder, or pmdd.
PMDD doesn't last for your full cycle. It begins at the end of ovulation and ends at the beginning of your cycle. Symptoms include: increase depression and anxiety, sudden mood changes, lack of or increased sleeping, and more. For all of the symptoms you can visit...
http://pmdd.factsforhealth.org/what/symptoms.asp
What would happen with my pmdd is that because of being bed ridden I would miss school. I had two classes that I need medical excuses for. One of the teachers would accept the note that my mom would write, but the other (a witch) didn't. She said that she needed a medical excuse. Since my mom knew that the problem was my menstruation she didn't see any reason to take me to the doctor every month for an excuse, and netiher did I. Our hair dresser told us a few years later about a clinic that specializes in hormone treatment. We both went for a little mother/daughter hormone treatment day, and were given a series of tests to assess the problem. For me I wasn't lacking or producing too much of one certain hormone. I have pmdd and irregular menstruation, so I was given the option of birth control or an IUD (intrauterine device) that I would have to change once a month. I can't even remember what day it is how was I going to remember to change an IUD once a month? I chose the pill after discussing the options with the doctor and my mom. We found the treatment that was right for me.
In the last five years my symptoms have decreased enormously. I am rarely depressed or anxious, my cramps aren't as severe, I am not always tired or unable to sleep, and I'm regular. Now like I said in my introduction blog I only speak from experience. Just because something is right for me doesn't me it is right for you. Just because I have pmdd doesn't mean you do. I had all of the symptoms that's how I realized what was wrong. Talk to a doctor before ever choosing a treatment to find out what is right for you. I knew it wasn't just pms. PMS my S!
Keep Livin'
Kayla Dawn
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Crash and Burn
Your heart is racing, you're sweating, unable to breathe, chest tightening. Chronic anxiety is associated with fibromyalgia, and is a scary thing. My first anxiety attack occured in December when I was fifteen (about a month before my fibro diagnosis). I was panicing over all of the make up work I had for school. I had missed thirty five days and was falling behind. I didn't know how I was going to make it up. I called my grandma crying over my work. I began to cry harder and harder. Then my chest began to tighten and I found it difficult to breathe. My grandma spent 45 minutes on the phone with me trying to calm be down. I began having the attacks once a week. Then my rheumatologist prescribed an anti-anxiety/depressent to see if that would help me, and suggested therapy to talk out my problems and find coping skills. The medicine slowly began to work, and I eventually began seeing a therapist. I still take the medication and see my therapist to this day. Back then I hit rock bottom, I crashed and burned. I wasn't sleeping and some nights I would cry myself to sleep. The next day I would wake up with my face swollen from crying so much. I would become someone else during the attacks. Once I sent an email to one of my teachers during an attack, and the next day I couldn't remember what I wrote in the email. Anxiety is a scary thing when you do and don't know what it is. You feel as if it's uncontrollable and are unsure of what to do. I would suggest discussing with your doctor, family, and friends before choosing an approriate treatment. I have been in therapy and on medication for five years and I am still working on it, but I have come a long way. Now I know how to prevent or handle attacks. If I have one I stop, close my eyes, and take deep breaths. I do the same thing to prevent them. Don't let yourself crash and burn. It's okay to ask for help. Asking for help makes you stronger not weaker.
Keep Livin'
Kayla Dawn
Keep Livin'
Kayla Dawn
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Don't Give Up
I think we all have at some point asked ourselves what we would do in a life or death situation. We may plan and say what we are going to do, but until we are in that position we don't know. A few times I have faced death, or what I thought was death. One of those was in the fall of 2007, but to understand the fall you have to know what happend in the spring of 2007.
All my grade school years I only ever had four true friends, and three weren't until my senior year of high school. I did have a friend from the time I was 3 until the spring of 2007. That friend was a Doberman Pinscher named Duchess. She was two years old when my family got her, and my best friend. Whenever I was sad, happy, or angry she was there. She always comforted me and protected me. Even if people pretended to attack me or made me scream she would show them who's boss. As the years went by, as most dogs and humans do, Duchess became increasingly ill. We never heard her whine or cry at all. In March 2007 my mom had made an appointment to take Duchess to the vet. You see Duchess had lost a severe amount of weight and wasn't eating. One day I came home from school, I let Duchess out, and went to drop my stuff off in my room. I opened the back door about 10 minutes later and called for my friend, but she never came. I knew in my heart something was wrong. I went outside and began to look and call for her. I turned my head and saw something in the bushes up against my house. As I looked and walked closer I saw who it was. That's right it was Duchess. She had collapsed in the bushes. I ran toward her and, like a mom whose kid is trapped under a car, I picked her up and carried her toward the door. I dropped her at some point, but she never made a peep. I couldn't get her into the door, so I called my mom at work. I was sobing and my mom told me to just wait for her that she would come right home from work. I tried to keep Duchess from moving, but she wanted to go inside. My mom got home and carried Duchess into the house. As I sat in the office chair crying, my mom called the vet and scheduled to have my baby put to sleep the next day. While she was on the phone, Duchess saw and heard me crying, and used her last bit of strength to crawl over to me and put her head on my lap. I lost it! The next day we found out that Duchess has gone from weighing 74 pounds to weighing about 40 pounds. With how far her tempeture had dropped the vet said she would have died naturally in a few days. She likely had cancer. My mom and I, although my mom didn't want to, stayed with Duchess until she was gone. I spent the rest of the day with my grandma watching the show Reba. That show and my grandma helped take my mind off the horrific event that had just happend. I had lost the best and only friend I had ever had, at that time. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her or miss her terribly. I am at peace with it because she is no longer in pain, but it took me a while to accept that she is gone.
Well Since I'm on a roll let me tell you about the fall of 2007. In the fall of that year I had become increasingly ill. It was pretty similar to Duchess, now that I think about it. I slowly started to lose my appetite and became more and more tired. I became weak and depressed. I didn't know what was going on. I lost in two months 20 pounds and became a frail 100 pounds. Now I'm 5'6", so that's pretty bad. I was so skinny that the wire in my bra would painfully get stuck in between my ribs. I was always tired, but could never sleep. I missed about 30 days of school in the fall. My school even harassed my mother about why I was out when we didn't know. I remember my mom being in tears after a phone call. I had come to the conclusion that I was dying, and even came to accept that. One day I was watching Dancing with the Stars, and my idol Dolly Parton was performing. She performed "9 to 5" and then her new song "Better Get to Livin'". Ah, ring a bell! Yes, my blog is named after that song and here is why. That song saved my life. I had givin up on livin', but when I heard that song it made me sit up, smile, and think. I heard what she was saying, and decided that even if I was dying I was going to live my life until I did. Dolly Parton and that song saved my life, and to this day I still listen to it when I'm down. "Music is the voice of the soul," Dolly Parton once said. I believe that doctors and faith heal the body, but music heals the soul. Anyway getting back to my life and death experience. I had been misdiagnoised as having arthritis, and givin a medication that disoriented me and made me weaker and physically unbalanced. We went to a different doctor who said I had myalgia , not fibro but as far as I know there is no myalgia other than fibro. That doctor gave me sleeping pills that kept me awake. Finally I went to see a pediatric rheumatologist who within two weeks diagnoised me with fibromyalgia. That doctor didn't rush a diagnosis, she actually cared, and took time to diagnose me right. I either had lupus, leukemia, or fibromyalgia. I'll take fibro over the other two any day. Don't ever give up because you think you may die. Keep living until you do, and wether you have lupus, cancer, fibro, or anything else life is still worth living. We always think that it could be worse, but most of the time it could be worse. Remember DON'T give up on life because life won't give up on you if you don't.
I'm not done writing about my diagnosis or the time before it. I will continue to write until I have nothing to say. Anyone who knows me will say that I will never run out of things to say.
Kayla Dawn
All my grade school years I only ever had four true friends, and three weren't until my senior year of high school. I did have a friend from the time I was 3 until the spring of 2007. That friend was a Doberman Pinscher named Duchess. She was two years old when my family got her, and my best friend. Whenever I was sad, happy, or angry she was there. She always comforted me and protected me. Even if people pretended to attack me or made me scream she would show them who's boss. As the years went by, as most dogs and humans do, Duchess became increasingly ill. We never heard her whine or cry at all. In March 2007 my mom had made an appointment to take Duchess to the vet. You see Duchess had lost a severe amount of weight and wasn't eating. One day I came home from school, I let Duchess out, and went to drop my stuff off in my room. I opened the back door about 10 minutes later and called for my friend, but she never came. I knew in my heart something was wrong. I went outside and began to look and call for her. I turned my head and saw something in the bushes up against my house. As I looked and walked closer I saw who it was. That's right it was Duchess. She had collapsed in the bushes. I ran toward her and, like a mom whose kid is trapped under a car, I picked her up and carried her toward the door. I dropped her at some point, but she never made a peep. I couldn't get her into the door, so I called my mom at work. I was sobing and my mom told me to just wait for her that she would come right home from work. I tried to keep Duchess from moving, but she wanted to go inside. My mom got home and carried Duchess into the house. As I sat in the office chair crying, my mom called the vet and scheduled to have my baby put to sleep the next day. While she was on the phone, Duchess saw and heard me crying, and used her last bit of strength to crawl over to me and put her head on my lap. I lost it! The next day we found out that Duchess has gone from weighing 74 pounds to weighing about 40 pounds. With how far her tempeture had dropped the vet said she would have died naturally in a few days. She likely had cancer. My mom and I, although my mom didn't want to, stayed with Duchess until she was gone. I spent the rest of the day with my grandma watching the show Reba. That show and my grandma helped take my mind off the horrific event that had just happend. I had lost the best and only friend I had ever had, at that time. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her or miss her terribly. I am at peace with it because she is no longer in pain, but it took me a while to accept that she is gone.
Well Since I'm on a roll let me tell you about the fall of 2007. In the fall of that year I had become increasingly ill. It was pretty similar to Duchess, now that I think about it. I slowly started to lose my appetite and became more and more tired. I became weak and depressed. I didn't know what was going on. I lost in two months 20 pounds and became a frail 100 pounds. Now I'm 5'6", so that's pretty bad. I was so skinny that the wire in my bra would painfully get stuck in between my ribs. I was always tired, but could never sleep. I missed about 30 days of school in the fall. My school even harassed my mother about why I was out when we didn't know. I remember my mom being in tears after a phone call. I had come to the conclusion that I was dying, and even came to accept that. One day I was watching Dancing with the Stars, and my idol Dolly Parton was performing. She performed "9 to 5" and then her new song "Better Get to Livin'". Ah, ring a bell! Yes, my blog is named after that song and here is why. That song saved my life. I had givin up on livin', but when I heard that song it made me sit up, smile, and think. I heard what she was saying, and decided that even if I was dying I was going to live my life until I did. Dolly Parton and that song saved my life, and to this day I still listen to it when I'm down. "Music is the voice of the soul," Dolly Parton once said. I believe that doctors and faith heal the body, but music heals the soul. Anyway getting back to my life and death experience. I had been misdiagnoised as having arthritis, and givin a medication that disoriented me and made me weaker and physically unbalanced. We went to a different doctor who said I had myalgia , not fibro but as far as I know there is no myalgia other than fibro. That doctor gave me sleeping pills that kept me awake. Finally I went to see a pediatric rheumatologist who within two weeks diagnoised me with fibromyalgia. That doctor didn't rush a diagnosis, she actually cared, and took time to diagnose me right. I either had lupus, leukemia, or fibromyalgia. I'll take fibro over the other two any day. Don't ever give up because you think you may die. Keep living until you do, and wether you have lupus, cancer, fibro, or anything else life is still worth living. We always think that it could be worse, but most of the time it could be worse. Remember DON'T give up on life because life won't give up on you if you don't.
I'm not done writing about my diagnosis or the time before it. I will continue to write until I have nothing to say. Anyone who knows me will say that I will never run out of things to say.
Kayla Dawn
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